You never know where life is goingto take you, do you? The twists, turns, major and minor events, changes and decisions that direct and re-direct your path in this world, they are all so unpredictable. You could look at this positively and tell yourself this is what makes life exciting and worth living. Or you could go the other way and fall into a spiral of negativity, telling yourself that you are not in control and cannot do anything about the changes in your direction, especially the bad changes.
I try very hard not to fall into the second category. Its a no-win situation to be in. When I say I try hard, that doesn't mean I have never let myself go there. Believe me, I HAVE... on more than one occasion. If you place the two choices side by side, and weigh the pros and cons of each, you will see that it's much harder to stay in the positive category. It takes work to stay there.... to be positive and to make the most of where life is taking you at that present time, especially if that place you are heading is not a good one. If you are experiencing a change that is scary, difficult, generally NOT positive, it's much easier, in the moment, to let yourself wallow and fall onto the negative side. But I stress the phrase "in the moment". It's almost comforting to let yourself go to the dark place, to be negative and self-pitying. Much easier than the hard work it takes to stay positive. In the long run, however, it is a much easier road to stay positive, than to have to pull yourself out of that black spiral of negativity that you have let yourself fall into. Sort of akin to the Turtle and the rabbit. Slow and steady, keeping your head above water, staying positive... this far outweighs the sprint to self-pity, to the dark, sad place you can let yourself go to with such ease. It happens fast, you get there quick, but the destination is not the one you were looking for. Slow, steady and positive... that wins the race.
I really need to learn how to place pictures on this blog. I am sitting here at my kitchen table, and the view out the back of my house is really nice. Snow on the ground, trees and people out running their dog in the soccer field. It paints a pretty pic. I have the galaxy "holiday channel" on that is playing alot of country christmas music. So I am sort of relaxed and trying to enjoy enteringing in my daily blog, with a fresh cup of coffee and Ozzie lying peacefully at my feet.
OK...... I just gave you an example of how I have chosen this morning, to go the positive route. Mum was up pretty much most of the nite. Her confusion is really taking over now, and it didn't help that she had soiled herself, and by the time I got to her, she had made a huge mess in the bathroom, trying to hide the mess she had already made in the bed. She was visibly beside herself, angry and argumentative. Insistent that I was to leave her alone, and that I had no business being in there and treating her like a baby. She pointed at the soiled mess and adamently stated it was embarassing for her to have me see her in such a state. She had her period, and she would appreciate some privacy. "Geesh Mum.... that is no period.... or at least it doesn't SMELL like a period!!!" (humour... always remember the humour... and I THOUGHT that... I did not say that).
It took a total of about 45 minutes for me to completely clean the mess. I have found that if you just leave everything, and focus on getting her comfy, clean and warm, followed by getting her bed the same, then add a nice hot cup of tea and some cookies, she will settle into her bed and I was then able to move onto the mess in the bathroom.
2,3 and 4am laundry runs are now a norm in my house. I can't explain it, but 16 mos ago, when I tried to chinze out on the extra $600 they wanted for a sound-proof door and extra insulation in the laundry room upstairs, my husband dug his feet in and we ended up getting it.... despite my resistance. So thank you Pierre, once again, you were right. Obviously a much wiser person than me... my husband.
So finally, around 4:15am, she settled into a sleep. I crept upstairs, into bed, closed my eyes just long enough to fall asleep and then was awakened by Pierre wanting to know if I would have coffee with him. Yes, of course I would. It's the only time we really get to spend together, so I crawled out of my bed and started my day.
So here I sit. Kids are off to school, Pierre off to work.... lunches all packed, breakfasts made for all of them, and I am now blogging to you the last 12 hours of my life. Did I know I would end up here? Caregiving for my mother with Dementia? No. I most definately did not. This time, four years ago, I would have been sitting at my desk trying to figure out what meeting I had next, writing requirements for the next system fix, and researching/testing the fix that had just gone in. I would have a starbucks on my desk beside me, intelligent (or mostly) adults coming and going, looking to me for something or another, and finally lunch with my work husband to look forward to, as we met everyday for lunch. Alot to be sad about, alot to miss, alot to be bitter about. Because instead of all that I just described, I get to change adult diapers, feed, bath and cloth my mother (FOR THE SECOND TIME in 12 hours). I get to make her lunch, and listen to her repetitive questions, watch her as she circles around the breakfast bar and kitchen, re-arranging stuff left and right. Sad....yes..... not exactly the life I thought I would be living right now. Not at all.
That being said, I wish to return to what I was originally typing. My quiet house, with music playing, fresh coffee, Ozzie at my feet, Isaac sleeping peacefully beside me, my children left this morning after eating hot, fresh breakfasts, and will eat the same for lunch. My husband left with a hot breakfast in his tummy, and an even better hot lunch. Here I sit, looking at my view, typing my opinions and experiences to you so that you can see the difference a little bit of positive thinking can bring. I am lucky to be here. I am lucky to be caring for my mother, and in the same breath , caring for my family. Some days I realize that what I'm doing is an amazing deed for another human being. Other days I think I am trapped and forced to do this., but honestly, as the days go by, I am finding myself thinking that I am lucky to be doing this. I am changing someone's life who is very important to me, and that is enough to keep me going for one more day.
More and more..... I have become the Turtle.
peace out.
No comments:
Post a Comment