my god ...  I'm bitter and crabby today.

I know I've already posted today, but I feel like I need to vent some more.  Earlier I spoke of being overwhelmed.   Tonight I am just DONE.
Mum was really agitated tonight.  She really didn't have any idea where she was, or who I was half the time.
She kept going back to the same idea that she was staying here, and that here was a boarding house.  Over and over and over again.   I tried everything to calm her.  I even gave her a small glass of real wine, in hopes that her nerves would be calmed.  Nope.... nothing worked, not even that.

I am burnt tonight.  My nerves are frayed, I'm crabby and I just want to be left alone.   This is a huge stress that we experience caregiving..... it's the constant "being on" that drains me so badly.   My house was full of people tonight, all the same people, my family, but it's always me that Mum goes to.  She is beside me, asking the same questions, in the kitchen, in the living room.  I can't even sneak out for a puff, and she follows insisting on joining me, being with me, despite the below freezing temps outside.   I cannot even lock the bathroom door anymore, when I go, because she becomes panicked if she cannot find me, or if she does, and cannot open the door.  Constantly on.   Does anybody else (out there) get this feeling?  Or is it just me... quirky me. 
It's no wonder so many of us turn to alcohol to try and get some calm, some serenity.  I tried this, believe me I did.  All summer I downed my share of cocktails every nite... yes every nite.   Some nites 5, others 3, and on occasion I'd have more than 5.  But the mornings were just not worth it.  For one thing I do know now, is that you cannot.... YOU CANNOT do this job with even the slightest hangover.  It's just torture.  It's not fair to you, the family or the patient.   So the alcohol did not work out for me.  Maybe I'll try again in the summer.

My husband just came into my bedroom.  He's wanting to spend time with me and watch "The Walking Dead" together.  I don't have the heart to tell him that I cannot stand the though of being in the same room as another human being right now.  And that includes him.  I've already seen the whole series, watched it over a few nites that Mum didn't sleep well.
Gawd... get out and leave me in peace.

peace out.