You don't think it can happen....... but it does.

Well, my last day of "holidays".  Wow, it just whips by.   I spoke with Mum last nite on the phone.  She was highly agitated and confused.  I listened to her as she spun this story about my Dad, and how he had promised to meet her there, at the guest house, for lunch.  Here she was, still waiting, and it was well after dark.  She then said, "I've spent my life waiting for your father, he'll never change".

What is the right thing to do in this situation?  I would appreciate some feedback.  (oh if only someone was actually READING this....  :).  I have two approaches.  The first approach is not correcting her.  When she speaks of my Dad in the present tense, as if he is still alive, on most occasions, I cannot bring myself to inform her of his death.  It's like she's learning of it for the first time, all over again.  However, when I do this, I run the risk that she will realize, halfway through, that she is speaking in the past.   Mum will stop talking abruptly, get this dazed look in her eye, followed by a pained look, followed by a nervous attempt to cover up the fact that she has just been talking about my dead father, her dead husband, as if he were still alive and with us.
My second approach is to correct her right off the bat.  To see the horrified look on her face when I initially tell her he passed away almost four yrs ago, and comfort her while I explain her memory issues to her, at the same time, reminding her all over again that the love of her life is dead.

Last nite, I chose to just chat her through it.   I wasn't there to comfort her in person, and I knew the phone call would be cut short, under 10 minutes, so I chose to "go with the flow" and listen as she told me of Dad's great tardiness.  I was actually quite surprised at her complet disconnect with reality last nite.  As I sit here typing this on my laptop, I am thinking about her diagnosis, and way back when we learned of her AD.  You don't think it's goingto progress.  You don't think that your own mother will ever forget you, or important things in our lives, or who she is......  but they do.  It doesn't matter how much you loved them, or hated them, how good they were to you, or how horrible.... it all gets forgotten.
I try to empathize and I try to imagine what it would be like to forget my husband, my sister/brother, my children, my life, and I cannot.  I find it scary and unthinkable.
My mother is living that scary and unthinkable nitemare right in front of me.   Which is why I will care for her, and provide her with a comfortable, decent, caring, dignified and safe place where she can lose her mind completely.
My Mum was there for me through many good, bad and scary times and I will be there for her.
Tomorrow she returns home, and its back to the crazy life.   See you then!