The Opposite of Everything

Hi Folks:

To write about this makes me a little sad, so I will do my best to spike it with some of my best humour.   Warning though, please do not be offended or disgusted in any way by my weird, off-beat sense of humour.  That's all it is, and most times, it's all I've got to keep sane.

Earlier, I wrote about the manicure.  This is just one of the many examples of my "opposite of everything" hypothesis.  First let me talk about Mum, and I mean MY MUM.... the woman who raised me, fed me, clothed me, took care of me, put up with me... all that stuff.
Marjorie was a wonderful Mum.  She had her quirks, and she wasn't perfect, but nobody is.  In terms of motherhood, Marjorie was pretty close.  As the youngest of five children, I believe that I got the best of her. I also believe as the youngest I got the worst.   This made for a good combination though, as I can honestly say that I had an awesome childhood.  I hear stories from other people, horror stories, sad stories, mediocre stories making up their childhood as a decent, an "OK", or a terrible experience.   I had a great experience, but I also had my sister too.
Marjorie was an unconventional mother, to say the least. My Brother and Sister and I often laugh and tell the stories about when we lived in NW ONT.   Mum would turf us out the door to play outside.  She always yelled after us "don't forget your orange hats!  It's hunting season, and I don't want you to get shot!!!"  We all laugh, each time we tell or hear that (true) story.
I didn't have many rules, hardly any responsibilities, which made for a very sweet life as a child and even sweeter as a teenager.  I felt that I could talk to Mum about anything and everything.  If I had an issue, I didn't tell my best friend, I told my Mum.  She taught me that most friends (not all) come and go from our lives, but your family, your blood, they are with you always.   I remember laughing with my Mum, alot.  I remember crying on her shoulder, alot.  I remember fighting with her, alot.  I was a very spirited teenager, but she never gave up on me.  We drifted apart for a couple of years at the end of my high school career, but once I moved away to University, I could not go a full day without talking to her on the phone.  We talked about everything.  She guided me through that first year, when I was so homesick that I almost quit school.  I think that is what I miss most about my Mum.  Our chats.  The way we used to talk about anything and everything.  She helped me, guided me, steered me through all the major events in my life.  Break-ups, school, more break-ups, marriage, babies..... and then it ended.  After my daughter was born, it all changed.  If I look back, I know I saw the difference in her, the changes.....  but I just didn't acknowledge them, I guess.  That is the short version of my relationship with my Mum.
Now Marjorie?   Well now.... Marjorie is a different story.  I refer to her as Marjorie now, because the woman that I care for, she looks like my Mum.  She sounds like my Mum.   But that woman is NOT my Mum.  Dementia is a very complex, very unforgiving disease.  Mum spent her whole life caring for everyone.  Her kids, her husband, her parents, stray friends that had bad home lives, stray animals that had no home, friends who had problems.....  she took care of all.  Now, it's the complete opposite.  Marjorie does not want to care for anyone/anything.  She just wants taken care of.   And you know what?  So she should be.  I mean, if you look at it, she deserves it.  Approximately 50 years of her life she spent catering to others.... so why shouldn't she be completely catered TO now?   And that's why I'm here.   Again, dementia is complex.   But in caring for Marjorie, and also hearing other stories, I realize that in some way, when a person gets Alzheimer's, they become the complete polar opposite of the person they once were.  A caring, nurturing, giving person turns into a selfish narcissist.  An angry, volatile person turns into a quiet and calm person.   A quiet and calm person turns into an angry and volatile person....  and so on... and so on.   Mum was always pristeenly dressed and presentable.  Her hair always done nicely, clothes always beautiful, clean, ready to take on whatever the day would throw her.   Marjorie wouldn't shower ever again, if she wasn't forced.   Nor would she change her undies, socks and/or clothes.   Marjorie would just wear the same outfit over and over again, and fall into a deep pit of unhygienic filth, if she was not prompted, then forced to take a shower twice per week.   Complete opposite of Mum.   Now that Marjorie has discovered depends, she has figured out that she doesn't ALWAYS have to go to the bathroom, that she can just let go in her depends and be good for another hour or so, till I catch wind of her and take her into her bathroom and make her change.  This would have horrified Mum, so I am very glad she is not here to see it.
Marjorie argues with everything, from what socks to wear, to what she wants to eat for lunch. Its a tough situation for me, and the family, but we play it out with humour as best as we can. 
I guess the point of this long, drawn out entry is that what it's come down to is the opposite of everything.   I have made this observation after three solid years of caring for Marjorie, and have adjusted my techniques of caring accordingly.  I see it as a last attempt, on her behalf, to maintain control over what is happening to her.  It mush be terrifying to be aware that you are losing your memory, your mind and there is nothing you can do about it.   So exercising a little control by demanding the opposite of everything that is suggested to her makes sense to me, finally.
That being said, I haven't seen Mum in quite a while.  Almost two weeks to be exact.  We sat on the front porch with a glass of wine, and she turned to me and asked me when Dad died.  I told her, and then we went on to discuss his illness, the bad winter and how she just knew he wasn't coming home with us.  she knew he was going to die in that hospital bed.  And then proceeded on saying that she knew she was being sentence to at LEAST another 2 months minimum of the hospital cafeteria food.  Although she did enjoy the fries and gravy.   :)  We also briefly touched on her other children, I gave her an update.  She asked me if they all knew about her condition, and that she was losing her mind, and I told her yes.   And as quick as she came..... My Mum was gone again.
I miss her terribly.  And Marjorie is very gracious and appreciative of the work I do for her, but she is also very callous in the respect that she comments on my weight and harps me everyday, to drop 20 lbs.
That concludes today's post.  I may get on again after I see how the day goes.   Meg, my neice is here staying and I am really enjoying her visit.  We are taking Marjorie shopping this afternoon, so here's hoping she doesn't shop life anything (another trait that Mum never had, but Marjorie seems quite fond of!!!!!!